December 6, 2007
A Bundle of Joy Isn’t Enough?
By THOMAS VINCIGUERRA
WHEN Jena Slosberg of Bedford, N.H., gave birth in March, she endured a labor that lasted 17 hours. But her discomfort was ultimately worth it, quite apart from the arrival of her daughter, Marin. In the recovery room, her husband, Paul, presented her with a pair of diamond earrings.
“I was on cloud nine,” Ms. Slosberg said. “It was the perfect present to make a frazzled, sleep-deprived, first-time mommy feel absolutely glamorous.”
She added, “I wonder what 17 hours of labor will get me next time?”
In a more innocent age, new mothers generally considered their babies to be the greatest gift imaginable. Today, they are likely to want some sort of tangible bonus as well.
This bonus goes by various names. Some call it the “baby mama gift.” Others refer to it as the “baby bauble.” But it’s most popularly known as the “push present.”
That’s “push” as in, “I the mother, having been through the wringer and pushed out this blessed event, hereby claim my reward.” Or “push” as in, “I’ve delivered something special and now I’m pushing you, my husband/boyfriend, to follow suit.”
“It’s more and more an expectation of moms these days that they deserve something for bearing the burden for nine months, getting sick, ruining their body,” said Linda Murray, executive editor of BabyCenter.com. “The guilt really gets piled on.”
A recent survey of more than 30,000 respondents by BabyCenter.com found that 38 percent of new mothers received a gift from their mate in connection with their child. Among pregnant mothers, 55 percent wanted one. About 40 percent of both groups said the baby was ample reward.
Sandra Miller of Arlington, Mass., is not among the 40 percent.
“Women can and do expect a thoughtful token of appreciation,” she said. “It’s a way to honor a mother giving her emotions, body and hormones over to a baby for nine months, culminating in an experience which, when done naturally, redefines the meaning of pain. And when not done naturally, it’s still an act of sacrifice.”
Push presents seem to have taken off within the last decade, particularly in the last couple of years. In 2005 the Southeast-based jewelry chain Mayors marketed diamond earrings with the tag line, “She delivered your first born; now give her twins.” Fortunoff, the jewelry and gift chain with a Fifth Avenue flagship, established a push present registry six months ago.
But the push present — unlike the 15-year anniversary ring — is apparently not the invention of the jewelry industry looking for another opportunity to sell goods. No one is quite sure how the trend began; in practice the baubles are presented before or after the big day, or sometimes right in the delivery room.
“They’ve arisen from the time cavemen brought trinkets to their wives,” said Jim Brusilovsky of Chains-and-charms.com, a Philadelphia-based jewelry chain. “I haven’t seen it coming from the industry.”
Michael Toback, a jewelry supplier in Manhattan’s diamond district, traces the practice to a new posture of assertiveness by women. “You know, ‘Honey, you wanted this child as much as I did. So I want this,’” he said.
A more likely explanation is that men are now simply more aware of and sympathetic to the plight of their pregnant partners, given their increasing tendency to attend childbirth classes and help in the actual delivery. “I think husbands are more involved with the prenatal process,” said Dr. Philippe Girerd, an obstetrician in Richmond, Va. “Women go through back pain, morning sickness, stress and so on. We just sit around and take the credit. I think a lot of 21st century husbands are a little more in touch with that.”
Certainly Dr. Girerd is. When his wife, Chris Cavan, gave birth to their son and daughter, he gave her a ring and a watch.
“I could care less about the jewelry industry,” Dr. Girerd said. “For me, it was acknowledging everything my wife had been through.”
The popularity of push presents has generated a backlash among some couples, who decry the implicit materialism.
“This isn’t the time to give a $200 piece of jewelry,” said Rhonda Grote, president of ThinkThoughtful.com, an online gift consulting company in Bradenton, Fla. “I do not think that because a woman has had a baby she requires a Tiffany & Company item. She requires help, love and emotional support.”
Ms. Grote suggested that new fathers should instead consider performing domestic chores, hiring a cleaning service, or otherwise provide extra assistance for the new mother.
Ray Mears of Grand Haven, Mich., didn’t give his wife, Beth, gifts for any of their three children, the most recent of them in July. And that’s fine with both of them. “It’s a really bizarre and unnecessary thing for a woman to expect,” Ms. Mears said. “For one thing, lots of people are giving gifts to the mom, baby and entire family. Also, there’s a lot going on when a new baby is expected. It’s just not a nice time for a woman to demand that her partner get creative and think of ‘the perfect gift.’”
MICHELLE ALLEN of Los Angeles originally heard about push presents from a friend who had received one. When she became pregnant, she began dropping hints. “I knew what I wanted, which is very awful,” she admitted. “But my husband is a very romantic guy.”
True to his romantic nature, Eric Allen obliged his wife with a gemstone-studded ring for each of their two children — Lara, born in July 2004, and Dashiell, in October 2006.
“I wear those rings every day,” Ms. Allen said. “They symbolize my kids. There’s something about them that’s even more weighty than my wedding band.”
Although jewelry is the most common push present, virtually anything heartfelt will suffice. Will Murphy of Haverhill, Mass., gave his wife, Grace, a Louis Vuitton diaper bag to mark the August arrival of their son, Liam. David Samson of San Francisco gave his wife, Renée, a metal sculpture in May to celebrate the birth of their daughter, Elisheva. He even installed some new lighting to complement it.
When Tom and Dana Wiley of Dunlap, Ill., had their third child, a daughter named McKenna, in September, Mr. Wiley bought the family a hot tub.
“It was a cumulative gift,” Ms. Wiley said. “With three, we have become homebodies anyway so now we can enjoy it.”
In general, women enlighten their men about push presents, not the other way around. Chris Beggini, a 43-year-old mutual fund manager in Radnor, Pa., didn’t know about the practice until his wife, Jennifer, straightened him out. “We talked about how she had nine months of difficulty, and ‘Aren’t I the good soldier?’ blah blah blah,” he recalled.
So when the Begginis begat Abigail in 1999, Ellie in 2002, and Julia last year, Mr. Beggini responded with earrings, a bracelet and what he jokingly calls a “suffer ring.”
Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 6:52 pm Post subject: Re: Marriages
saadi wrote:
Dear friends,<BR><BR>I'd like to know your opinion regarding the following issue: <BR>"Do you believe it is okay for an Ismaili to marry a Non-Ismaili?" <BR><BR>It is not very common for Ismailis to marry outside the community yet what if o­ne falls for a person outside the community? As I was going through some other forums, many of us are not even clear about how o­ne converts to Ismailism, also if we are not ready to give up our faith then I think its not justified to expect it from the others. So in your opinion is it okay to marry outside the community (to a muslim of another sect), after all we are all Muslims, rite? <BR><BR>Let me present a situtation: "Is it okay for an Ismaili guy to marry a Sunni Girl?"<BR>A: Yes I approve of it <BR>B: It is okay o­nly if the girl converts to Ismailism <BR>C: It is okay o­nly if the kids follow Ismailism in future<BR>D: No it is absolutely unacceptable<BR><BR>Regards,<BR>Saadi
Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:06 am Post subject: good issue raised!
yes i agree with you. its a very common issue and such isues should be discussed so that <BR>one could be able to take right decision if he/she faces such problem.<BR>coming back to the issue.....<BR>there could be different anser to this issue. first historical and religiously: i think its right for an ismaili to marry with a member of sister communityt or even outside muslim community and it would be necessary for her to convrt to ismailism.<BR>secondly comes the personal aspect.and its differs from person to person. as for as i think an ismaili should not marry with someone unless it is necessary<BR>who is not ismaili. <BR>but here o­ne question comes to my mind can an ismaili girl marry with with a non ismaili guy?
Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject: Issue or challenge
Yes, inter faith marriage inter communal marriage is an issue now a days. but i think this has been an issue from long time ago. due to fast communication we are to notice these issue more. as far as my thought works, i think that if u marry someone out of your community, it effects your relgio social life, it also involves questions related to the faith of children..... that which faith they should follow. some parents left this matter on their children to decide. this period becomes a turning point for the couple married without thinking about their relgio social life....if u r easy about your children, whatever faith they follow then u r free to marry anybody, either cristian, hidu or any other muslim. but if u want your coming generation to be ismaili, murids of Imam-e-Zaman, then you must marry only an ismaili. + if you are sure that after marrying in another faith your generation will remain ismaili, then i think is okay. as i see some examples in the society around me that after getting married, spouse also becomes ismaili, then off course their children are ismaili, but in some cases, our ismaili left their beloved Imam, Mehboob-e-Haqiqi for a shia, sunni hindu or anybody else. so it depends how much u love your imam, your community, your faith. yes if you are ready to sacrify your faith for a person you fell in love with, then it may be okay for yuo. there is another example, i know a ismaili girl, who was too much fasionable, wore jeans shirts, working in a hospital, earning a handsome salery. she fell in love with traditional sunni, he first asked her to left job, then he asked her to wear a weil, then ismaili practices, then Imam. what did she get out of this guy, burqah, prison at home, no joy of being ismaili.... though i don't know much about her, but i beleive, whenever we celebrate our rites, festivals, deedar, darbar.... she must be weaping at home.... a lot of examples are here around me, i don't know, how many this type of ismailis girls are there in this world......
Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:44 am Post subject: Re: My sitiuation -- thoughts welcomed
khus wrote:
I have been spiritual and religious all my life but I could never relate to the other kids in JK. I had a friend for four years and he was a non-ismaili. <BR><BR>He had an interest in the Imam and wrote book reports o­n him for school assignments. He was my best friend. We started dating and fell in love. I knew him very well. Before getting married I knew he wasn't ready to convert just yet but I knew he would when he was ready. It was something he said he always wanted to do.<BR><BR>We did discuss religion and children prior to marrying. He was perfectly content with our children being Ismaili. <BR><BR>A year into the marriage he was ready to go through the process and I am glad he has made this decision o­n his own. My parents are worried about the social ramifications of this since a select few know we have married. My parents like my husband. He didn't practice a faith prior to this but his grandparents are sadden because he didn't take up Christianity. but both of our parents are happy for us. <BR><BR>I don't feel I am wrong for marrying a non-ismaili. It has strengthen my faith and renewed his. If this is his destiny to serve Allah, then who am I to reject the will of Allah.
<BR><BR> No Offense...First of all...We marrry an ismaili so that we are bringin our future kids into our religion. We are increasing more people in our religion. And now that you have married a non-ismaili guy and u think its all good. Then what about your kids ? Destiny is in ya own hands...you make it happen..n its called Chance..you could have find other better ismaili guys buh u neva gave a chance to yourself. <BR><BR>
We give more significance to our society we live in. Religion is a part of society. True believer of allah is who sacrifice his or her life for God. If we strongly practice our faith then we are not misguided..and can never come up with such pathetic questions about why cant we marry a non-ismaili n what not.
First of all..you should understand what LOVE means..
There are two types of love..
Divine love (love of God)
Temporal love (the Love of the World)
A person who feels the deep need and regard for God, will indeed be graced with the Enlightenment of
His Deedar (Illumination), but if one just continues nearly to talk, his innumerable lives are just lost in the
cycles of births and deaths, without even having the glimpse of God. It is only through the deep
ceaseless yearnings of “Ishk-e-Haquiki” (Divine Light) that one is able to embrace God. Whatever is
there, is the manifestation of Love. There is no happiness, higher and more satisfying than the Divine
Love.
The Temporal Love has an element of selfishness, whilst Divine Love is selfless and has pure sentiments,
and until man’s inner vision has not awakened to this reality, there will continue to exist more or less
degree of selfish love in such blood-relation as those of parents-children, husband-wife, brother-sister
friends etc. Even the slightest element of selfishness makes love transformed into temporal love, and yet
inspite of being utilised for selfish motives, it still continues to give sweetness and ecstasy to life. Hence,
all processes, states or things that give us joy and happiness and to which we are attracted are due to
Love.
Now i know you must be thinking why i am talking about love...but in conclusion...
Love forms the wings of the soul. Love is the Essence of religion. Love is our true Over-self. Love is the Manifest Form of God, it is God’s living incarnation.
That is on individuals to make the decision that they love their Faith more or a person to whom they are getting married with.
If you love your worldly partner more than your Faith then it is your decision to marry the one who do not believe in your Faith.
And remember that the one who don’t even ready to believe in your Faith; can not love you enough and not even worth to get marries with.
Kasim.
A person who feels the deep need and regard for God, will indeed be graced with the Enlightenment of
His Deedar (Illumination), but if one just continues nearly to talk, his innumerable lives are just lost in the
cycles of births and deaths, without even having the glimpse of God. It is only through the deep
ceaseless yearnings of “Ishk-e-Haquiki” (Divine Light) that one is able to embrace God. Whatever is
there, is the manifestation of Love. There is no happiness, higher and more satisfying than the Divine
Love.
The type of love you are mentioning is the higher love with only a very few are graced to experience. Once a person has tasted that love, he may not feel the need to get married at all, let alone marrying a non-Ismaili! MSMS describes this kind of love in his memoir:
"It is said that we live, move and have our being in God. We find this concept expressed often in the Koran, not in those words of course, but just as beautifully and more tersely. But when we realize the meaning of this saying, we are already preparing ourselves for the gift of the power of direct experience. Roumi and Hafiz, the great Persian poets, have told us, each in his different way, that some men are born with such natural spiritual capacities and possibilities of development that they have direct experience of that great love, that all-embracing, all-consuming love, which direct contact with reality gives to the human soil. Hafiz indeed has said that men like Jesus Christ and Muslim mystics like Mansour and Bayezid and others have possessed that spiritual power of the greater love; that any of us, if the Holy Spirit (*) ever present grants us that enlightenment, can, being thus blessed, have the power which Christ had, but that to the overwhelming majority of men this greater love is not a practical possibility."
He then goes on to explain how the absence of this great love can be ovecome by the majority:
"We can, however, make up for its absence from our lives by worldly, human love for individual human beings; and this will give us a measure of enlightenment attainable without the intervention of the Holy spirit. Those who have had the good fortune to know and feel this worldly, human love should respond to it only with gratitude and regard it as a blessing and as, in its own way, a source of pride. I firmly believe that the higher experience can to a certain extent be prepared for by absolute devotion in the material world to another human being. Thus from the most worldly point of view and with no comprehension of the higher life of the spirit, the lower, more terrestrial spirit makes us aware that all the treasures of this life, all that fame, wealth and health can bring are nothing beside the happiness which is created and sustained by the love of one human being for another. This great grace we can see in ordinary life as we look about us, among our acquaintances and friends."
Love – divine or physical – springs from the heart.
Our people move on from generation to generation..and in between that if someone ends up marrying a non-ismaili guy or a gal...then there is a generation gap to it.
If you really know what love of god is then you don't think about yourself but god.
there are people i know who are happy with there marriage but in future its going down the train.
Its all upon you..buh as an ismaili..if your faith is strong ..then you can't create such thoughts about why we cant marry a non-ismaili guy and what not.
And love of god is not devoting your life and not marrying. And whatever I mentioned is about ibadat. And christians don't marry jus cause they devote their life to god..its not us.
And while you celebrate religious events who n for what are you going to take part in religious events?
Think about it. Would you be happy if people around you won't be happy with your marriage?
Imam never mentioned about intercast marriages...so why even we think about it ?
Islam is a part of the interpretation of Muslim societies of who they are. It is part of their way of being, which includes the totality of their institutions, practices and above all..the SELF-IMAGE and world- image embedded in their way of life.
Therefore, According to me marrying a non-ismaili is same as being non-religious.
And while you celebrate religious events who n for what are you going to take part in religious events?
Think about it. Would you be happy if people around you won't be happy with your marriage?
Imam never mentioned about intercast marriages...so why even we think about it ?
Islam is a part of the interpretation of Muslim societies of who they are. It is part of their way of being, which includes the totality of their institutions, practices and above all..the SELF-IMAGE and world- image embedded in their way of life.
Therefore, According to me marrying a non-ismaili is same as being non-religious.
Inter-marriage is not an ideal but a reality of our community today. MHI during his recent Mulakats to the US Jamats met with non-Ismaili spouses and blessed them as well. He asked them to join their families in the celebrations.
So long as the rasing of children is clarified at the outset there is no major issue with the inter-marriages, and perhaps they could provide a very tangible mechanism to build bridges with other faiths. MHI also encouraged the non-Ismaili spouses to join our institutions.
Yeah. He met people who serves hes community. My uncles wife who is a christian...Shes interested in our religion..And she was supportive to her husband.. And Mowlana Hazar Imam is sure going to accept them.
I am talking about people..who turn away from religion just for the marriage. Or who don't try to bring their kids into religion. There are tons of other non-ismaili who married our ismaili ppl..why didn MHI met them ? He met people who are interested in our community. Also, he told that lady to educate her kids. Now that doesn't mean he allowed to marry a non-ismaili person.
Don't try to find excuses. lol...seriously ! there is a logic to it..yet you don't get it.
If you marry a christian ? will u be able 2 change ya religion for her ? Then how can you expect her to change religion for you. Noone likes it..Yet they always give last preference to religion.
Faith can't be compromised. ^_^ and is not permitted.
Christian author offers practical help to couples
Pastor conducts marriage seminars across continent
Graeme Morton
Calgary Herald
Saturday, May 17, 2008
CREDIT: Courtesy, Gary Chapman
Gary Chapman says his one-day seminar next Saturday in Calgary will help both couples in solid marriages and those who are struggling.
A leading Christian author on love and marriage says churches are well positioned in today's society to help couples strengthen their wedding commitment.
Gary Chapman, author of the bestseller The Five Love Languages, says churches can become a second, extended family for couples far away from support networks.
"Many churches are now offering practical help in the form of classes and workshops on family and marriage issues," he says.
"I think that's one reason why people are returning to churches. It may not be a spiritual attraction at first, but people are thinking, 'If I can get help raising this kid of mine, I'll go,' " says Chapman. "Then they often rediscover the spiritual side of life." Chapman will lead a one-day Toward a Growing Marriage seminar next Saturday, May 24, at Grace Baptist Church, 2670 Radcliffe Dr. S.E.
Chapman conducts about 30 of these sessions across North America each year and notes they're designed both for couples in solid marriages and those who are struggling.
"We want to give people practical ideas on how to stimulate growth in their own marriage and the ability to offer suggestions when they're trying to help other couples," he adds.
Chapman has also served for 36 years as a senior associate pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, N.C. During his extensive ministry, Chapman says he has found struggling couples are much more likely to initially confide in a friend than a professional counsellor.
"They often think that their problems are unique because they look around and everyone else seems to be doing fine," he says.
"But the fact is that all couples have struggles, it's just a part of humanity." Chapman says the seminar touches on topics such as communications, conflict resolution, fostering emotional love, change without manipulation and sex.
"When people decide they want to change and improve their marriage, they often start at the wrong place," he says.
"They'll identify their spouse's problems and focusing on getting their spouse to change. I suggest a better approach is being honest with yourself about your own shortcomings and deciding where you can be a better contributor to the marriage." Chapman says today's marriages are under increasing time and career pressures, compounded by unreasonable expectations touted by the media and pop culture.
Chapman's Calgary visit is being sponsored by the Canadian Conference of Southern Baptists.
"Often couples wait too long to get help and they give up on their relationship," says Bob Shelton, the CCSB's church strengthening team leader.
"Events like this allow couples to open up the dialogue, to talk about areas of concern and potential growth in their marriage." Shelton says taking those steps can greatly increase the chances of a relationship making it through stormy times.
"I don't think we're intended to just survive in a relationship. I think God meant for us to thrive in our marriages," says Shelton.
Tickets for Chapman's seminar are available from Christian Publications, Blessings and Mountainview Bookstore.
Oh why you posting stuff thats not important to us ? post stuff about our imam...What does he think about intercast marriages?
I am not interested in the non-sense your posting.
This is about a faith based approach to marital issues. Something that perhaps can be applied to our community as well. There is strength in pluralism.
Well..first of all..how much faith you have got in our reilgion ?And Its good if we all work together and it helps our community. But marriage is not a way to show that you want peace, stablity and progress.
Aga Khan: Pluralism is fundamental to world peace and prosperity for all of us, no matter what our faith community or our home. The richness of cultural and religious and ethnic pluralism is reduced to nothing more than homogeneity and “otherness,” then our communities of strangers fall apart, and either we walk further away into different gated communities, or we fight, or both. Its for the peace ..not gettin married in someother community and finding peace.
He also said ,
This ethic of exploration and interconnectedness is o­ne that is deeply shared by the Ismaili community. It is an ethic, in fact, that is firmly rooted in our faith — a value system which grows from deeply spiritual roots. It understands that human diversity is itself a gift of Allah — that pluralism is not a threat but a blessing. It sees the desire to explore and connect as a way to learn and grow – not to dilute our identities but to enrich our self-knowledge. This ethic emanates ultimately from a relationship to the Divine which inspires a deep sense of personal humility — and a relationship to humankind which is infused with a spirit of generous service and mutual respect.
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